NFL Bowl Games (Part 2)

The Third String Bowl: Panthers vs Lions

In this bowl, the Lions can play their lineup, which practically is a group of third stringers. However, to even up the match-up, the Panthers must also only use their third stringers. Surely DeAngelo Williams and Stewart could run all over the Lions, but how would Brad Hoover or Nick Goings do? And Delhomme won’t be throwing to Steve Smith, Josh McCown will be throwing to Dwayne Jarrett and Ryne Robinson. No starters will be allowed in this game for the Panthers. Estimated final score: Cards 44 Lions 9.

The Philly Bowl: Buccaneers vs Raiders

This game will be played with all expenses paid for by the city of Philadelphia, and will be played at the Linc to a sold out cheering crowd. The teams will stay in the nicest hotels, get into the finest restaurants and clubs, sip the finest champagne, be given money to buy anything they want while they are in town, and will have a parade thrown for both the winning team and the losing team after the game is played. Even after all that, Philly will still be in debt to these two teams for what they have done.

The Viagra/Just for Men/Rogaine Bowl: Jets vs Titans

Short writeup here, but it makes sense, those sponsors want to support their biggest endorsers: Favre and Collins.

The Rematch Bowl: Patriots vs Giants

Only because Tyree will never make that catch again and Samuel will never fuck up an int like that again. Even with Cassell as qb, I would like to see the Giants exposed for the frauds that they are. Luckiest run ever.

The Purgatory Bowl: Redskins vs Texans

Why? Because just like Purgatory, these teams are not too good, but not too bad….they’re kind of just ehhhhhh…..

The Vegas Mafia Bowl: Chargers vs Steelers

Remember last game, the 11-10 game when the Steelers returned a TD with no time left, but for some reason, they did not count that? Well the Steelers were favored by 4 that game, and that play would have given them the covers. Millions of dollars were won and lost because of that play, and it is still not understood why the TD did not count. The ref said that there was no forward pass. There is only one explanation: the Vegas Mafia was involved. I’d love to see what would happen here. You know that they would have Ed Hocculi refereeing this one.

The How to Draft a QB for Dummies Bowl: Vikings vs Falcons

The Vikings thought they had found a diamond in the rough when they drafted Tarvaris Jackson. Have you seen him play. Sure, he has some good games vs horrible teams, but whenever he is playing a real opponent, he looks like Simba in The Lion King when he gets caught in the middle of the stampede. Hes a cub in a land of Lions. Animal lions that is, not the Detroit Lions. He'd actually fit in pretty well there.

The Falcons, on the other had, drafted a QB who has turned around the entire franchise. Fans love Matt Ryan so much that the thought of Vick ever playing for the Falcons again is less likely than seeing him eating popcorn and bon bons in a theater showing Marley and Me. The Falcons did not just have a good season, they started a dynasty. Their fans have fallen back in love with football. As far as the Vikings fans are concerned, I think you could get a ticket to their playoff game for less money then a replica Tarvaris Jackson jersey.

The We Can Build on This Bowl: Chiefs vs Bengals

It was the best line uttered all season: it made people forget about his famous “You play to win the game” rant. In all fairness, you are never going to find a 2-14 team better than the Chiefs were this year. They found a solid quarterback, have the best TE in the game, have a few WRs who are solid 2-3 receivers in the NFL, and they had a very good rb. However, their defense and their ability to hold leads and win close games were nothing short of putrid. So maybe Coach Herm was right: Maybe they can build on this. Get a RB, a new defense, and a number one wideout in the draft, and this could be next years Falcons.

The Bengals, who were putrid for 12 of their 16 games, actually won their last 3. So as football philosopher Herm Edwards would say, maybe, just maybe, say it with me now: “They can build on this!!!”

NFL Bowl Games (Part 1)

Hollywood here. Recently, the fine gents at Kotites Corner created a very interesting scenario and diagrammed what a NCAA Football tournament would look like if they used the same style as NCAA Basketball does during March Madness.

That got me thinking, what if the NFL’s postseason was just like NCAA Football's, where instead of just a Super Bowl, every team got to play in a Bowl game of some sort. Well, I took the time to create 15 Bowl games that NFL teams could play in. Although unlike college, the selections here don’t have anything to do with either talent or money, rather random quirks that could make each game as interesting as the next:

The Alzheimer’s Foundation Bowl: Broncos vs Bills

All proceeds from this bowl will go towards fighting the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, a disease which makes people forget things that they would likely remember. Like when the Broncos were 4-1 and averaging over 30 points per game. Jay Cutler was having a breakout year and running away with the MVP. Brandon Marshall was the new Randy Moss. They were Destiny’s Team. Does ANYBODY remember that?
And then there were the Bills. Do you remember that Trent Edwards was having a breakout year? The Bills were 4-0, the Pats had lost Brady, the Jets were struggling and Miami looked so-so. The Bills were going to win the AFC East!!! Does anybody remember this??? Hmm, maybe the proceeds of this bowl will be put to good use.

The McDonald’s Big Mac Bowl: Eagles vs Browns

This Bowl game would have a quirk. Before the game, Andy Reid and Romeo Crennell would have a eating contest to see who can eat the most Big Mac’s before the game. The winner’s team starts with a 10-0 lead. I can only imagine Romeo raising his hands in victory after finishing 14 as opposed to Reid’s 12, only to find out that Reid was unaware the contest had actually started, and he was just warming up. He would then proceed to eat 17 more and give the eagles a 10-0 lead to start the game. The Eagles would go on to win the game, 10-0.

The Ambien Snooze Bowl: 49ers vs Bears

Both of these teams have won games this season, and both have lost some. The reason they are in this game is that, they both play such a boring game of football, that if you are awake at the end of it, you should call your doctor about getting Ambien immediately. Can you imagine the play by play: 2 yard run, 3 yard run, incomplete, punt. 5 yard run, -2 yard run, 7 yard pass, int. 4 yard run, fumble. 26 yard pass, 1 yard run, 4 yard run, incomplete pass, field goal. You see where I am going with this. Boring football. As for Kyle Orton? Well, he'd probably just get drunk on the sideline.

The Wal Mart Bowl: Jaguars vs Packers

Walmart has become America’s Mecca for a place to go when they expect to pay less. So who else would play in the WalMart Bowl than the two teams who performed much less than everyone expected them to. Good think the Jags have Dave Garrard locked up to that huge contract. Nobody on that team will ever have to look up the word “mediocre” again, they have the walking definition right in front of them. As for the Pack, Rodgers actually was better than most expected. But their defense was so bad that they were only able to beat the Lions by 10. And they gave up 21 points to them. That’s like me beating up Elijah Wood, but only after a 30 minute fight, and I still walk away with a black eye and bloody knuckles. Their defense is awful.

The Timberlake Bowl: Dolphins vs Ravens

Remember when Justin Timberlake was in N’Sync and every guy thought he was a pansy. Then he went solo and he was still looked at by males as being a fruit. But then, after a few decent songs, he released sexy back and started nailing Jessica Biel, and all of the sudden guys were like, this JT guy is pretty much a baller! Thanks kind of how these two teams are. The Ravens were dominant in the early 2000’s, but lately they have suffered through an apparently aging defense and Kyle Boller. The Dolphins barely avoided an 0-16 season last year. The only team they could beat: you guessed it, the Ravens. On a overtime TD connection from Cleo Lemon to Greg Camarillo. Not exactly Manning to Harrison. But now, all of the sudden, these teams are great again. Pennington and Flacco have been their teams Jessica Biel. Ray Lewis brought Sexy Back. Unfortunately, the Dolphins were eliminated when these two teams met in the playoffs, so Pennington and crew are now crying me a river. You see where I am going with this, I’m done. See ya. Or should I say, Bye Bye Bye.


The Burt Reynolds Bowl: Rams vs Seahawks

We all know that for a long time, Burt Reynolds was the man. Women wanted him yet men wanted to be him because of all the tail he got. And he had a great moustache. But then, soon after Boogie Nights, Reynolds started to suck. He made a few studio flops and was last seen doing a straight to video movie about womens’ volleyball. It is to the point where it is painful to see how far he has fallen.

For a long time, the Rams and the Seahawks were perennial contenders. The Rams had the Greatest Show on Turf, and the Seahawks had consistency all over with Hasselback and Shaun Alexander, along with a ferocious defense. Now, both teams are near the cellar, and, just like Reynolds, it is almost painful seeing Hasselback and Bulger and Holt involved with these teams. They are guys who deserve better, and who we hope will someday get a second chance to be awesome. The only question is, who is the NFL’s Tarantino to make that happen?

Note: The above bowl was almost called the Dennis Hopper Bowl.

The Christopher Reeve Bowl: Cardinals vs Saints

Christopher Reeve can not run, so there is no point in him trying to do so. Same thing for both teams. Final statistics: Brees 42-60 489 yards, 3 tds 2 ints. Warner: 35-70, 433 yards, 2 tds, 3 ints, 1 fumble. Bush: 7 rushes, 16 yards. James: 13 rushes, 28 yards. Hightower: 2 rush, 3 yards, TD

The Gun Show Bowl: Cowboys vs Colts

This would be fun. Remember that scene in The Last Boy Scout when the running back is about to score a TD but he stops, pulls out a gun, shoots the defenders and then shoots himself? Well that is one of the most unrealistic sports scenes in movie history; unless you get Marvin Harrison and Pac Man Jones in the same game. The ultimate satisfaction: Pac Man returning a punt for a TD, pulling out a gun and shooting a defender, then pulling out a wad of $100 bills and making it rain over the guy he has just shot.