2009/01/12

NFL Bowl Games (Part 1)

Hollywood here. Recently, the fine gents at Kotites Corner created a very interesting scenario and diagrammed what a NCAA Football tournament would look like if they used the same style as NCAA Basketball does during March Madness.

That got me thinking, what if the NFL’s postseason was just like NCAA Football's, where instead of just a Super Bowl, every team got to play in a Bowl game of some sort. Well, I took the time to create 15 Bowl games that NFL teams could play in. Although unlike college, the selections here don’t have anything to do with either talent or money, rather random quirks that could make each game as interesting as the next:

The Alzheimer’s Foundation Bowl: Broncos vs Bills

All proceeds from this bowl will go towards fighting the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, a disease which makes people forget things that they would likely remember. Like when the Broncos were 4-1 and averaging over 30 points per game. Jay Cutler was having a breakout year and running away with the MVP. Brandon Marshall was the new Randy Moss. They were Destiny’s Team. Does ANYBODY remember that?
And then there were the Bills. Do you remember that Trent Edwards was having a breakout year? The Bills were 4-0, the Pats had lost Brady, the Jets were struggling and Miami looked so-so. The Bills were going to win the AFC East!!! Does anybody remember this??? Hmm, maybe the proceeds of this bowl will be put to good use.

The McDonald’s Big Mac Bowl: Eagles vs Browns

This Bowl game would have a quirk. Before the game, Andy Reid and Romeo Crennell would have a eating contest to see who can eat the most Big Mac’s before the game. The winner’s team starts with a 10-0 lead. I can only imagine Romeo raising his hands in victory after finishing 14 as opposed to Reid’s 12, only to find out that Reid was unaware the contest had actually started, and he was just warming up. He would then proceed to eat 17 more and give the eagles a 10-0 lead to start the game. The Eagles would go on to win the game, 10-0.

The Ambien Snooze Bowl: 49ers vs Bears

Both of these teams have won games this season, and both have lost some. The reason they are in this game is that, they both play such a boring game of football, that if you are awake at the end of it, you should call your doctor about getting Ambien immediately. Can you imagine the play by play: 2 yard run, 3 yard run, incomplete, punt. 5 yard run, -2 yard run, 7 yard pass, int. 4 yard run, fumble. 26 yard pass, 1 yard run, 4 yard run, incomplete pass, field goal. You see where I am going with this. Boring football. As for Kyle Orton? Well, he'd probably just get drunk on the sideline.

The Wal Mart Bowl: Jaguars vs Packers

Walmart has become America’s Mecca for a place to go when they expect to pay less. So who else would play in the WalMart Bowl than the two teams who performed much less than everyone expected them to. Good think the Jags have Dave Garrard locked up to that huge contract. Nobody on that team will ever have to look up the word “mediocre” again, they have the walking definition right in front of them. As for the Pack, Rodgers actually was better than most expected. But their defense was so bad that they were only able to beat the Lions by 10. And they gave up 21 points to them. That’s like me beating up Elijah Wood, but only after a 30 minute fight, and I still walk away with a black eye and bloody knuckles. Their defense is awful.

The Timberlake Bowl: Dolphins vs Ravens

Remember when Justin Timberlake was in N’Sync and every guy thought he was a pansy. Then he went solo and he was still looked at by males as being a fruit. But then, after a few decent songs, he released sexy back and started nailing Jessica Biel, and all of the sudden guys were like, this JT guy is pretty much a baller! Thanks kind of how these two teams are. The Ravens were dominant in the early 2000’s, but lately they have suffered through an apparently aging defense and Kyle Boller. The Dolphins barely avoided an 0-16 season last year. The only team they could beat: you guessed it, the Ravens. On a overtime TD connection from Cleo Lemon to Greg Camarillo. Not exactly Manning to Harrison. But now, all of the sudden, these teams are great again. Pennington and Flacco have been their teams Jessica Biel. Ray Lewis brought Sexy Back. Unfortunately, the Dolphins were eliminated when these two teams met in the playoffs, so Pennington and crew are now crying me a river. You see where I am going with this, I’m done. See ya. Or should I say, Bye Bye Bye.


The Burt Reynolds Bowl: Rams vs Seahawks

We all know that for a long time, Burt Reynolds was the man. Women wanted him yet men wanted to be him because of all the tail he got. And he had a great moustache. But then, soon after Boogie Nights, Reynolds started to suck. He made a few studio flops and was last seen doing a straight to video movie about womens’ volleyball. It is to the point where it is painful to see how far he has fallen.

For a long time, the Rams and the Seahawks were perennial contenders. The Rams had the Greatest Show on Turf, and the Seahawks had consistency all over with Hasselback and Shaun Alexander, along with a ferocious defense. Now, both teams are near the cellar, and, just like Reynolds, it is almost painful seeing Hasselback and Bulger and Holt involved with these teams. They are guys who deserve better, and who we hope will someday get a second chance to be awesome. The only question is, who is the NFL’s Tarantino to make that happen?

Note: The above bowl was almost called the Dennis Hopper Bowl.

The Christopher Reeve Bowl: Cardinals vs Saints

Christopher Reeve can not run, so there is no point in him trying to do so. Same thing for both teams. Final statistics: Brees 42-60 489 yards, 3 tds 2 ints. Warner: 35-70, 433 yards, 2 tds, 3 ints, 1 fumble. Bush: 7 rushes, 16 yards. James: 13 rushes, 28 yards. Hightower: 2 rush, 3 yards, TD

The Gun Show Bowl: Cowboys vs Colts

This would be fun. Remember that scene in The Last Boy Scout when the running back is about to score a TD but he stops, pulls out a gun, shoots the defenders and then shoots himself? Well that is one of the most unrealistic sports scenes in movie history; unless you get Marvin Harrison and Pac Man Jones in the same game. The ultimate satisfaction: Pac Man returning a punt for a TD, pulling out a gun and shooting a defender, then pulling out a wad of $100 bills and making it rain over the guy he has just shot.

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