The Third String Bowl: Panthers vs Lions
In this bowl, the Lions can play their lineup, which practically is a group of third stringers. However, to even up the match-up, the Panthers must also only use their third stringers. Surely DeAngelo Williams and Stewart could run all over the Lions, but how would Brad Hoover or Nick Goings do? And Delhomme won’t be throwing to Steve Smith, Josh McCown will be throwing to Dwayne Jarrett and Ryne Robinson. No starters will be allowed in this game for the Panthers. Estimated final score: Cards 44 Lions 9.
The Philly Bowl: Buccaneers vs Raiders
This game will be played with all expenses paid for by the city of Philadelphia, and will be played at the Linc to a sold out cheering crowd. The teams will stay in the nicest hotels, get into the finest restaurants and clubs, sip the finest champagne, be given money to buy anything they want while they are in town, and will have a parade thrown for both the winning team and the losing team after the game is played. Even after all that, Philly will still be in debt to these two teams for what they have done.
The Viagra/Just for Men/Rogaine Bowl: Jets vs Titans
Short writeup here, but it makes sense, those sponsors want to support their biggest endorsers: Favre and Collins.
The Rematch Bowl: Patriots vs Giants
Only because Tyree will never make that catch again and Samuel will never fuck up an int like that again. Even with Cassell as qb, I would like to see the Giants exposed for the frauds that they are. Luckiest run ever.
The Purgatory Bowl: Redskins vs Texans
Why? Because just like Purgatory, these teams are not too good, but not too bad….they’re kind of just ehhhhhh…..
The Vegas Mafia Bowl: Chargers vs Steelers
Remember last game, the 11-10 game when the Steelers returned a TD with no time left, but for some reason, they did not count that? Well the Steelers were favored by 4 that game, and that play would have given them the covers. Millions of dollars were won and lost because of that play, and it is still not understood why the TD did not count. The ref said that there was no forward pass. There is only one explanation: the Vegas Mafia was involved. I’d love to see what would happen here. You know that they would have Ed Hocculi refereeing this one.
The How to Draft a QB for Dummies Bowl: Vikings vs Falcons
The Vikings thought they had found a diamond in the rough when they drafted Tarvaris Jackson. Have you seen him play. Sure, he has some good games vs horrible teams, but whenever he is playing a real opponent, he looks like Simba in The Lion King when he gets caught in the middle of the stampede. Hes a cub in a land of Lions. Animal lions that is, not the Detroit Lions. He'd actually fit in pretty well there.
The Falcons, on the other had, drafted a QB who has turned around the entire franchise. Fans love Matt Ryan so much that the thought of Vick ever playing for the Falcons again is less likely than seeing him eating popcorn and bon bons in a theater showing Marley and Me. The Falcons did not just have a good season, they started a dynasty. Their fans have fallen back in love with football. As far as the Vikings fans are concerned, I think you could get a ticket to their playoff game for less money then a replica Tarvaris Jackson jersey.
The We Can Build on This Bowl: Chiefs vs Bengals
It was the best line uttered all season: it made people forget about his famous “You play to win the game” rant. In all fairness, you are never going to find a 2-14 team better than the Chiefs were this year. They found a solid quarterback, have the best TE in the game, have a few WRs who are solid 2-3 receivers in the NFL, and they had a very good rb. However, their defense and their ability to hold leads and win close games were nothing short of putrid. So maybe Coach Herm was right: Maybe they can build on this. Get a RB, a new defense, and a number one wideout in the draft, and this could be next years Falcons.
The Bengals, who were putrid for 12 of their 16 games, actually won their last 3. So as football philosopher Herm Edwards would say, maybe, just maybe, say it with me now: “They can build on this!!!”