Hollywood's Squares

It’s been awhile, folks. I gave you 6 winners and 6 losers, and decided I wasn’t going to allow you to risk your money on my picks until I was feeling it again. Well, now I am. March in NCAA is always $$$$$$ so expect to make some big money in tourney games. For tonight:

Play 1: 3 team, 7 point teaser (if you don’t know what that is, you shouldn’t be gambling, however, a teaser is when you take a certain amount of points off the spread of multiple games, however to be a winner, every game must be a winner)

Hornets –1, Seton Hall +13.5, Washington State –2

Play 2: Golden State –2.5….play of the day by far….bet 4 x whatever you bet regularly on this one.

Play 3: Atlanta Hawks –2

Play 4: Bulls +8….People love the Magic but they just aren’t the same without Jameer and the Bulls are making a playoff push. They have so much talent on that roster, and they can be dangerous. It took a miracle shot by D-Wade to beat them two nights ago, and I expect the same kind of effort vs Orlando.

Play 5: Puerto Rico –2.5 in World Baseball Classic

Yeah yeah, the Netherlands are the story of the season. While I won’t discredit what they did to the Dominican, it did take 10 innings for them to score, and a throwing error to get them their second run. This team will come back down to reality tonight, as they have practically no offense. Puerto Rico has lots of major league players, and should take care of Netherlands very easily.

If 1 unit is whatever amount you play your normal bet, all plays are for 1 unit, with Golden State being for 4 units and PR being for 3.

Lets make it rain ladies and gents.

Hollywood's Squares

Few Things I Noticed About the Oscars Last Night:

I have never been so attracted to somebody as thick as I am Beyonce. Seriously, her thighs lead me to believe that she could give Shaq a hard time in the post. I don’t care though, tree trunk thighs and all, that lady is like the parking ticket I got over the weekend; shes got fine written all over her.

I am seriously considering quitting my job and making a living betting on the Oscars every year. Unlike any sports, there are locks in Oscar betting. Yes, the odds are ridiculous, but there was absolutely zero chance of Ledger, Wall-E, Boyle or Slumdog not winning. You do have to risk a lot to win a little, but it is the only time I have ever made bets that I KNEW would win.

The actors need to get liquored up at the Oscars like they do at the Golden Globes. The Oscars are about 100 x more important than the G squareds, but they are also 100 x less fun to watch. Why? Because at the Globes, the actors get plastered, and watching drunk actors is much more fun than watching Will Smith give out awards for best makeup and costume design. It was much more fun watching a hammered Mickey Rourke (who should have won last nite) say “balls” 35 times and get flipped off by Darren Aronofsky.

How cool is Hugh Jackman?

Kate Winslett is hot. That is a real woman. You can ogle over your Jessica Alba’s and your Cameron Diaz’s all night, but when push comes to shove, I want a woman like Kate. Energetic, fun, humble, and won’t have to take a bathroom break after ever course during a date to throw up whatever it was she had just eaten. My affection for her is, admittedly, enhanced by the money I won money on her beating Streep for Best Actress.

Enough with the 100 thank you’s during acceptance speeches. Seriously, thank people on your own time. When you get up there, say something inspiring and memorable. America is watching and doesn’t care if you owe all of your success to your third grade gym teacher. Best Speeches of the night: Penelope Cruz and the dude who won for writing Milk. At least that guy didn’t just get up there and talk. He actually had something to say.

Finally, and I mean this with all my heart, trim the ceremony down to 2 hours, and only include the major awards. The art awards and the short film awards should be given away at a much smaller ceremony, with the only people invited being the nominees and their mothers. After all, they are the only people who care about those categories. Ok I lied, most of their mothers probably don’t give a damn either.

If there were a Best Actor Oscar for sports, who do you think would win? Id give the five nominations to:

Gus Johnson: The guy cant get a full time job with a major network, yet when assigned to do play-by-play sporting events like WNBA games and KC Chiefs games, you would still think by hearing him that you are watching the 1980 Olympic Hockey game when we beat the Commies. He really makes us believe that the games mean something, and isn’t that what acting is all about?
Manu Ginobili: For his acting performances in over exaggerating every bit of contact every time he drives to the hoop. He is the Jack Nicholson of sports: Always overacting but still oddly convincing.
Lance Armstrong: This is the winner for me. He has done such a great job acting like such an incredible guy that people don’t even take a second to think that odds are, he has done more PED’s than Arod and Bonds combined.
The Chicago Cubs Front Office: Every year, the whole organization gives an incredible performance in making it look like they have finally done what is necessary to make their club a championship-caliber team. Even though they fail every year, they have been able to convince the naïve Cub’s fans for 100 straight years that this could be the year the curse ends. And even after 100 years of it not happening, they are such good actors that people in Chi town still have hope.
Venus and Serena Williams: For their performance in making people believe that they are women.


I feel kind of guilty for not sharing my money Oscar picks with everyone, because you all could be swimming in cash today. Therefore, I will work extra hard to pick winners this week. For tonights games:

Hollywoods picks so far: 6-3

Tonight, I’m rollin with:

Clippers/Warriors over 228

Seriously, will there be any defense played in this game at all?

Knicks –6.5

Very respectable team at home, and they match up well with Indy.


Tennessee Martin

If you want to win big bucks, you have to bet on no-name schools like Tenn Martin sometimes.

Hollywood's Squares

Just in case you thought I was done winning you money because I had not posted in the past two days, I want to assure you that that is simply false. While I was seconds away from hitting the Send button to the creators of this blog last night with an email up reccommeding you take both the under of 2.5 and US to win the soccer game last night, I wussed out because I feared a 1-1 draw. No more wussing out for me. One play tonight:

Davidson -7 1st half

People who have bet on CBB all year know that Davidson's first half bets have been a gold mine all season. They get off to quick starts and then usually either build on their lead or keep it right around where it is at the half. The spread of this game in -12.5, and I expect that to be around what the lead is at the half.

6-2 on the year

Hollywood's Squares

8 Things We Learned This Weekend:

1. Lawrence Taylor signing on to be in the next Dancing with the Stars clearly shows that he has spent all of his money on coke and is now desperate.

2. Tool Academy is the most entertaining reality show since the last good Real World...the one with Brynn and Trishelle (who I once danced with at a night club.. I am Hollywood, after all).

3. Whiskey + Beer + Vodka + trying to make converstaions with girls you just met = not a good idea. Ok, thats what I learned this weekend, for everyone else, this has probably been common knowledge for years.

4. LeBron is still no Kobe. In a game in which he had to put his team on his back in order to win and make a statement, he couldn't do it. Sure the Cavs can roll 90% of the league, but when it comes down to the big games in the late rounds of the playoffs, they are still not complete enough of a team to beat the Lakers and Celtics of the NBA.

5. The Pro Bowl is one of the worst sporting events around nowadays, and there is nothing that the NFL can do to make it intriguing, so I cringe at the effort and money that they are putting into trying to do just that.

6. Roger Mason Jr is the most underrated player in the NBA

7. There are about 12 teams who could win the NCAA title this year.

8. My picks are awesome, and if you followed me the two days I have posted, your bookie right now would be more beat up than Rhianna.

Thats right, 2-0 Friday bringing my total to 6-1. Thats not even counting the 3-1 I went Sat and Sun but couldn't post on the site.

On to tonight, there will only be one pick: LA Clippers +1

Does anybody realize that the Clippers right now are actually not that bad. Yes, they are 12-39, but now they are healthy and look at this lineup:

Randolph, Thornton, Camby, Davis and superrookie Eric Gordon. I hate to admit this, but that is a playoff caliber starting 5. They have absolutely routed their last two opponents, both on the road, scoring 126 and 121 points against the Grizzlies and Hawks respectively. Now they are playing the super-mediocre Bobcats who are without Gerald Wallace. They are also flying home after a game vs Miami last night. Clipps win this game, and I have a feeling that they are going to be a team that I will be playing a lot for the next few weeks until people start to realize that they have some potential. Dunleavy's gotta go though, with a good GM this team could be a threat as soon as next year.

Hollywood's Squares

As every rapper in the last 5 months has stated in some verse: It ain't trickin if you got it. Last night, I came on the site all cocky telling you how I am going to make you money, but guess what, I made you money. If you followed me that is. 4-1 last night and a late game collapse away from being 5-0. To put this into perspective, the best sports bettors in the world hit 60%, and most who do it for a living only hit 57-59%. Last night, I hit 80%. That is not going to happen every night, so dont expect it. However, I do expect to hit 60% over the course of a season in every sport that I cap. College bball on Friday nights is god awful, as its just a bunch of Ivy Leaguers getting their games in before they have to meet their study groups for the rest of their Friday nights. No plays there. Got a few that I like in the NBA though:

Denver -6.5: Caron Butler is out, making this game pretty much Denver vs Jamison. I expect a huge blowout here, as Washington isn't good enough to be taken seriously, even at home.

Oklahoma City +6: this is where people lose money in gambling. As far as public perceptions are concerned, a team like Phoenix or New Orleans is considered good, while teams like Oklahoma City are considered bad. However, when it comes to covering spreads, Phoenix is 16-29-1 and New Orleans is 19-25-1. Meanwhile, Oklahoma City is 31-18 vs the spread, only trailing Cleveland and Orlando. Don't make the common rookie mistake by taking Portland here. Oklahoma City covers tonight, and maybe even wins straight up.

Hollywood's Squares

What’s up readers? I am sure you all remember your first day of school. You all remember the first time you met your wife or girlfriend. You all remember the first time you got so drunk at a bar and crapped your pants in front of a Perfect 10 model who, up until that point, seemed vaguely interested in you. Wait, what? That was just me?

Oh well, the point is, you will all remember the first time you read Hollywood’s Squares. You will remember it when you are sitting on your yacht that you bought with the money I made you, with your supermodel girlfriend who is only with you because of that aforementioned money.

Every day, I will be posting plays to bet on. The name of the column comes from the fact that those who bet on popular games that the public is purposely hoaxed by the books into playing are called Squares in the gambling world. And Hollywood Squares is the name of a famous game show. See what I did there? It’s a pun, get it? Clever, eh?

I don’t care how you fund your illegal betting habit, whether it be with a bookie or through a website (if it is through a website, feel free to email me and I will let you know if you ever have a chance of seeing the money you win). Bottom line is, follow my picks, and, in the long run, you will make cash.

I will have 5-0 days, I will have 0-5 days. But when all is said and done, you will have so much money that you will be able to quit your crack habit and upgrade to the much classier powder form of cocaine. Better get rich quickly, once word spreads, I may start charging for these picks, as I myself am also getting bored of injecting heroin through used syringes.

On to night #1.


NBA card is very small, so no plays there. As far as NCAA goes, I have a few gems here.

Rhode Island –3.5
Northern Colorado –1.5
UC Riverside +3
Davidson –10.5 (first half bet)
Michigan –4


Play those. Sometimes I will give reasons. Other times, I will not. Tonight I will not. However, I will say that in these cases, I am betting on a team that may not be as good as the team they are opposing, but have more motivation or home court. One of the best ways to make money is to take teams at home when they are playing teams that are clearly better than them, but the line seems too good to be true (Miami last night).

Good Luck, and lets make some $$$$$.