Few Things I Noticed About the Oscars Last Night:
I have never been so attracted to somebody as thick as I am Beyonce. Seriously, her thighs lead me to believe that she could give Shaq a hard time in the post. I don’t care though, tree trunk thighs and all, that lady is like the parking ticket I got over the weekend; shes got fine written all over her.
I am seriously considering quitting my job and making a living betting on the Oscars every year. Unlike any sports, there are locks in Oscar betting. Yes, the odds are ridiculous, but there was absolutely zero chance of Ledger, Wall-E, Boyle or Slumdog not winning. You do have to risk a lot to win a little, but it is the only time I have ever made bets that I KNEW would win.
The actors need to get liquored up at the Oscars like they do at the Golden Globes. The Oscars are about 100 x more important than the G squareds, but they are also 100 x less fun to watch. Why? Because at the Globes, the actors get plastered, and watching drunk actors is much more fun than watching Will Smith give out awards for best makeup and costume design. It was much more fun watching a hammered Mickey Rourke (who should have won last nite) say “balls” 35 times and get flipped off by Darren Aronofsky.
How cool is Hugh Jackman?
Kate Winslett is hot. That is a real woman. You can ogle over your Jessica Alba’s and your Cameron Diaz’s all night, but when push comes to shove, I want a woman like Kate. Energetic, fun, humble, and won’t have to take a bathroom break after ever course during a date to throw up whatever it was she had just eaten. My affection for her is, admittedly, enhanced by the money I won money on her beating Streep for Best Actress.
Enough with the 100 thank you’s during acceptance speeches. Seriously, thank people on your own time. When you get up there, say something inspiring and memorable. America is watching and doesn’t care if you owe all of your success to your third grade gym teacher. Best Speeches of the night: Penelope Cruz and the dude who won for writing Milk. At least that guy didn’t just get up there and talk. He actually had something to say.
Finally, and I mean this with all my heart, trim the ceremony down to 2 hours, and only include the major awards. The art awards and the short film awards should be given away at a much smaller ceremony, with the only people invited being the nominees and their mothers. After all, they are the only people who care about those categories. Ok I lied, most of their mothers probably don’t give a damn either.
If there were a Best Actor Oscar for sports, who do you think would win? Id give the five nominations to:
Gus Johnson: The guy cant get a full time job with a major network, yet when assigned to do play-by-play sporting events like WNBA games and KC Chiefs games, you would still think by hearing him that you are watching the 1980 Olympic Hockey game when we beat the Commies. He really makes us believe that the games mean something, and isn’t that what acting is all about?
Manu Ginobili: For his acting performances in over exaggerating every bit of contact every time he drives to the hoop. He is the Jack Nicholson of sports: Always overacting but still oddly convincing.
Lance Armstrong: This is the winner for me. He has done such a great job acting like such an incredible guy that people don’t even take a second to think that odds are, he has done more PED’s than Arod and Bonds combined.
The Chicago Cubs Front Office: Every year, the whole organization gives an incredible performance in making it look like they have finally done what is necessary to make their club a championship-caliber team. Even though they fail every year, they have been able to convince the naïve Cub’s fans for 100 straight years that this could be the year the curse ends. And even after 100 years of it not happening, they are such good actors that people in Chi town still have hope.
Venus and Serena Williams: For their performance in making people believe that they are women.
I feel kind of guilty for not sharing my money Oscar picks with everyone, because you all could be swimming in cash today. Therefore, I will work extra hard to pick winners this week. For tonights games:
Hollywoods picks so far: 6-3
Tonight, I’m rollin with:
Clippers/Warriors over 228
Seriously, will there be any defense played in this game at all?
Knicks –6.5
Very respectable team at home, and they match up well with Indy.
Tennessee Martin
If you want to win big bucks, you have to bet on no-name schools like Tenn Martin sometimes.
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